A few years back I read an article in the National Review about a concept of serial polygamy. It was the idea that people are in a cycle of marrying and divorcing and have multiple spouses but never more than one at a time. Most of us know the idea of common law marriage. The idea of living together and doing things that married people do like joint bank accounts and shared bedrooms and even kids but never getting the marriage license. So I want to present the idea of common law divorce. I know I coined the phrase but hear me out. It is the idea that you still have a marriage license and still have property in common but you live separate lives. It is a common state for many separated couples who are planning a divorce but it can also be for couples that will probably never get a divorce and they even still live together. They are more like roommates now then they are a married couple. You are
practically divorced but have not gone through the separation or the legal formalities of a divorce.
Many people have a religious persuasion against divorce. Others just believe in living up to the oath they took when they said their wedding vows. They said till death do us part and they won't think of a divorce. The best advice I ever heard for a long marriage is to delete divorce attorneys from your contact list. This group believes that. Many still act like they are married but they have a number of things they do that say otherwise. Let's list them.
First they are never seen together in public. Maybe they will attend a formal event where a date is required together for show but even at church they may find themselves in different areas during the service. They may be watching the nursery or doing the music, teaching a sunday school, so people think their separation is normal but the two of them know what is going on. They won't sit next to each other if they can avoid it. They show up in separate cars. They have separate careers and the house is just a place to sleep.
In the house, they may have separate bedrooms. One of the spouses may be sleeping in a non bedroom on an easy chair or sofa. Many times if the kids have moved out then one of the spouses has taken over a spare bedroom. Common excuse is one or both spouses snore or since one works mornings and the other works nights, then they don't want to disturb each other.
In the case where both work, you know where I am going. Separate bank accounts. Yes they may have a common account which both contribute to to pay bills but they are for the most part separate in their discretionary spending.
In the case of sex, this is the saddest part of all. There is usually little to no sex at all. The sexless marriage is a common theme. You will hear statements like, the best way to not get any sex is to get married. They get married, agree to only have sex with each other and then not have sex at all. There is a comedy routine that starts off by saying I attempted to make love to my wife 365 times last year. I succeeded 32. Here is a list of excuses why I failed. In younger couples this is rare. The excuse with them is the work hours. They are never together so they never have sex. They may do it if they can get the same week for vacation but it means that instead of one to two times a week, They may have sex one to two times a year if at all. The excuses are many. For men it could be erectile dysfunction or low testosterone. For women, it could be menopause, vaginal dryness, hormones or some other problems that may or may not be caused by a pregnancy gone wrong. There may be other parts of the body that they just don't want anyone to touch. Old injuries that just won't heal. Bad surgeries. It is common not to have sex after a major surgery or procedure. The problem is when are you getting back together after it is healed. For too many they consider an open marriage option. This can be harder to bring back together. Many politicians and executives use this option. They marry for political purposes but have sex with whoever they want. For the religious person, this would be considered a sin. They don't realize how deep in sin they are just to have a marriage that has come to this state.
In most cases where they decide not to pursue the legal options for divorce there is children or parents involved. No one wants to go through a messy divorce if it will hurt loved ones. Better for all parties to stay together. But they are miserable. You can see it on their faces and by watching how they interact with others. They can be very animated when talking to children or friends, but when they have to interact with each other there is a coldness.
In most cases, one of the spouses feel like their love bank is empty. When that happens, they quickly drain the love bank of the other. The next thing you know, they are looking for other outlets to show someone, anyone love. I don't mean they will have sex with them but if you know the five love languages, they are performing them for someone other than their spouse. Hopefully the children are still getting love but in many cases it is someone at work or at church that is getting their attention. Too often it is someone on social media or at the bar. Social Clubs or Volonteer projects become a priority.
In the case of a Political marriage, yes it may be a divorce but for the sake of the public it looks real. They will make public appearances and put on a show for the public but in private they live separate lives. They own separate homes in most cases. They usually have an open marriage and if any of the affairs turns public, they have a PR machine to shut it down. . Sometimes these are just marriages of convenience and it never developed into love. Notice how quickly Hillary came to Bill Clinton's defense when the Jennifer Flowers story came out. She wasn't interested in Bill's infidelity. Only on the family connection to power. This is not the case I am going to deal with. They can fix the problem but in most cases they were never in love to begin with. There is no desire to fix the problem so it won't be fixed. They are going to make their appearances and then go to Epstein Island to blow off steam.
How to recover or to stop the downward spiral.
No one wants to have 5 happy years of marriage and 45 miserable ones. At some point we have to get a hold of the situation and stop it.
First and most important is to recognize the situation. When you see yourself falling into the trap, you have it a quarter fixed. When the other spouse has recognized it, you are half way there. It may take one spouse getting on medication that takes off the inhibitors. They may just tell you that they don't love you anymore. What can you do? 1. Get a divorce and be done with it. I pray you have already decided this is not an option. 2. Continue like you are going ignore everything. Sadly, this is where men go fishing and woman go to the mall. Nothing wrong with either of those activities, but if you are avoiding each other then Houston, we have a problem. 3. Start taking steps to fix it.
In many cases it is a Pastor, Elder, or a Deacon from you church that discovers it. If you still have parents or friends that you see often, they may see it. I know of a case where it was a 90 year old retired preacher who jumped in to fix the problem. He and his wife took the couple out for lunch after church and addressed the problem head on. He saved the marriage.
Next thing you need to do is get away from the kids and talk about it. How about a date night? If you need to, get a councilor to join you, either in his office or at a restaurant. If at his office, I would move the meeting to a conference room. Just the posture of sitting at a desk can be intimidating. The kids will be excited for you, no matter what their ages. By getting out of the house and finding a hole in the wall booth at a restaurant, you look each other in the eye and start to put together a plan. If that is not in your budget then a picnic at the park will work just as well. Start by asking for forgiveness where you have failed. Offer forgiveness where they have failed, and promise that the tone of voice will stay in the normal range. No yelling at each other during this meeting. Realize that any effort to fix this problem will require 100% effort from both parties. Marriage is not a 50/50 deal. It's 100/100. Don't get frustrated if your spouse doesn't believe you will be sincere. This is where a councilor will help. Be accountable. You may be the only one giving 100%. Your spouse may be waiting to see if you are serious.
Find something you can do together on a regular bases. Since retiring, My parents started a routine of doing a morning walk and going to estate sales together. It has worked well for them. But find something simple that two people can do together. If all you do is clean your kitchen, start there. The longest lasting marriages I know of the couple will work in the same office together. I realize that is not possible for most marriages but if you own a business, involve your spouse. I know one college basketball official that turned his wife into his travel agent. He let her book his flights and hotel rooms. It was interesting how often she found a seat on the plane next to him. Ok, with the expenses that incurred he did the basketball game at the University of Hawaii for free. But since he did the things to create financial freedom it was OK. Find a hobby that you can do together. Teach her to fish or him to sow. I had a blast once making a dress for my wife. Let him cut out the material while she sews it together.
Have a regular date night. Make sure you can take the time and relax together. Take in a concert or a movie. Visit a favorite restaurant. Visit a museum. Take a vacation together. You may have to travel a lot for your job. Use some of those frequent flyer miles and go somewhere with your spouse.
You have a romance story that tells how you two met and fell in love enough to get married. Not many came into marriage with an arranged marriage at least not in the US. It may not be spicy enough to be put into a novel or played on the Hallmark channel, but it is your story. Relive that story with each other. On your first visit with your councilor, he will want to hear it. Tell that story to your kids and to your friends. Remember why you fell in love. She may not have been the most beautiful one there but she got your attention. He may not have been the pick of the crop but he got your attention. What was it that turned you on. Why them over the 4 billion others out there? First touch. First kiss. First Date. First Dance. First time you talked. Was it multiple hours? Is there a long paper trail of love letters? How did he propose? What was the most romantic thing that either spouse did when dating? Most romance stories have a period where it looks like the couple is going to walk away from the relationship. Did that happen during your courtship? What made each of you decide to come back and make it work? What was the wedding like? Go through the wedding album together. How did your first child come about? Was it a romantic night or was it an oops? Did you plan for years or did they have to roll the wife down the aisle? Just tell your story.
Start touching each other again. Hold hands on that morning walk or give her a kiss as you head to work. You can advance to making it look hard to pass each other in the hallway or even give a love pat as you find her with her back to you. Find what works for you. Take a shower together. Wash that area your spouse is missing. Give each other a non sexual massage. Who knows, you may eventually find yourself in the bedroom together.
If you are in separate bedrooms, make yours inviting. Keep it neat with the aisles clear and room in the closet for a few of the spouses things. Have some drawers in a dresser for your spouses things. Make them want to change in your bedroom. Better yet. Make the bedroom the place where you change even if you sleep in the living room The snoring may always be a problem but you could get some medical attention there so they may want to eventually spend the night with you again.
If you are religious, ask yourself when was the last time you prayed together? Family devotions may be the best place to start. Involve the kids in a prayer time. Don't think they haven't noticed how you two are acting. They are rooting for you as much as anyone. My 18 year old son will still ask me to kiss his Mommy. Don't forget to pray at mealtime. Have a mealtime. Are you attending church together? Are you sitting together? You may be doing nursery or music. If she is in the Nursery, do a turn in there with her. If one is on the worship team, when you come down, find your spouse and sit with them. There is not a lot of churches where the choir stays in the choir loft when the sermon starts.
Be intentional in keeping promises. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Your spouse may have already lost faith in you because of something you said you would do and failed to do it. At least failed to do it by their expected deadline. I don't care what your excuse was, it was a deep hurt that they are still healing from it. Be mindful and be considerate in how you fulfill promises. Remind them when you complete the task, that it was a priority I said I would do for you. Ask what else is a priority to complete. Remember the love tank is empty. We have to fill it back up again.
Find time for yourself where it is clear that it is for you. A time you will not be disturbed. You need to get yourself right, If you are not right then this is a waste of time. Pray, read, and meditate. After that make sure your spouse won't feel like a heal for interrupting you. If you spouse knocks on the door to your study, even if you are deep in a phone call, they should feel they can sit there and be recognized when you finish.
Turn down or turn off social media. You don't need to be chatting with your high school sweetheart. Nothing wrong with with liking a picture of them with the new grand-baby but you need to focus on your family not theirs. There is a reason you married your wife and rejected her. Now is not the time to second guess that decision. You don't need everything you are doing splashed on the internet. The struggle is real and it doesn't need to be public. The only person who needs to know progress is your councilor. I had a friend that would splash things on her Facebook on how I am not responsible for … during her divorce. This is not going to court so you don't need to publish anything like that. She was probably doing that under advice from a lawyer. Keep the drama for someone else' feed.
Become a team. When you got married, you had a plan for how things were to be done. You did them. Someplace along the way, you started doing things without consulting your spouse. If you change a system, like how to reward your children, make sure your spouse was in on the conversation that got the change. By using phrases like, I am planning on doing this or that, makes the other spouse feel like they don't have a say. Instead use phrases like, Dear, how about we do this or; we should do this. Make joint decisions. When a job offer comes up, don't just accept it. Sit your spouse down and go over the pros and cons with them and make a decision together. If the job offer is 100 miles up the road, figure out a plan together on how to handle it. I don't recommend taking it at this time since you are working on being a team. If you can move the family within a month or two, then we can discuss a plan. Find out if you can work remotely or there is a way to get home frequently. Come up with a plan and be a team.
Remove anyone that could be acting as a go between. You want the flow of information to go directly between you and your spouse. Don't let a child or parent or other family member or even a counselor come between you. Mother in Laws can be the worst. So can oldest daughters who have taken over household duties while you two fight. They may be trying to hold on to power. They filter the information and pass on the narrative they want you to have. It may not be in your best interest. If every time you want to speak to your spouse, the same person is in the room. Get them out of there. Be aware of whoever is whispering in your spouse's ear. While most want to see your marriage succeed. There are some who don't. Be careful of the gossip going on. Churches can be bad for gossip. Pray for So and So. They are going through a divorce. No they aren't! But, they are having marital problems if you can't help them fix, then you don't need to know about them.
Create a family budget. Know what expenses you are going to need for the household to operate. Mortgages, taxes, fees, utilities, food etc. Make sure you are both contributing enough to pay them. Use a joint account for those expenses. If you have separate cars then each cars expenses can come from the individual accounts. Money is the number one cause for divorce in America. Someone is spending all the family resources and the other feels left out. His bass boat and her shoes are a common argument. You may want to seek a financial counselor to fix any problems you two have. Dave Ramsey has a seven baby step program and it starts with a budget. Then get $1000 buffer in the joint checking account. Have a savings account with six months of pay in it and then pay off all your debts. Your final debt you pay off is your mortgage. Get yourself enough insurance so if something happens you don't go right back into debt. Pay cash for everything. Don't be putting more on a credit card than you can pay by the end of the month. If you can't, then cut it up. You will find your stress drop with your spouse tremendously when you know you can do an oil change and not break the bank. And maybe you can buy that Louis Vatton or custom fit set of golf clubs without giving your spouse a stroke.
Have someone you can go to for council. In a multitude of councilors there is wisdom, Solomon once wrote. Use them. If for nothing else, when the plan you come up with starts to go south, they can get you back on track. They can ask you about your date last month. If you didn't do one, then you know your problem. A marriage coach and a financial coach may be necessary. Remember, they are not responsible for what you actually do. It is still up to you. All they can do is point you in the right direction. In all the years I have refereeing basketball I have never seen a coach score a point or get a rebound. I have seen coaches get players into position to make those plays. A coach can draw a great play during a time out. I have seen the players change the play when the ball went live. It usually makes the coach mad. It is always up to the participants to get the job done.
The common law divorce is a problem all across the country. We see it everywhere. The solutions are simple but can be difficult to implement. The result of which may lead to an eventual divorce. Maybe not this year but when the kids grow up or that job out of town with lots of money becomes available. The question for you is are you willing to do what it takes to get your marriage back on track? I have outlined how it can be done. Now it is up to you.
3 John 2. Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospereth
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands Love your wives. Even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives submit to your husbands, As unto the Lord
John 10:10 The thief cometh but to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and might have it more abundantly.
Matthew 19:8 He saith unto them, Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives but from the beginning it was not so.
